Do these thoughts seem familiar to you?
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not attractive enough.
I’m not strong enough.
I’m not good enough.
The theme of these messages—not good enough—is common. It’s normal.
All of us, no matter who we are, what we do, or where we’re from, feel as though we’re not good enough at times.
That doesn’t mean it’s helpful of course. Something can be normal and still less than ideal; it’s still not desirable. We all want to feel good enough, after all.
But there’s a trap that we all face that can lead to feeling never good enough: comparison.
We see a picture of a ripped guy on the cover of Men’s Health and think, “I want to have a six pack like that. I’ll never be that jacked though.”
“I’ll never look as toned as this Instagram model,” we think. “She goes to the gym five days a week, posts all these healthy meals, and has a six pack. I really want that too.”
What we often forget is people rarely share their true, honest lives on social media—we get the highlight reel. So, we fall into the trap of comparing our life’s story to someone else’s Instagram story.
And we feel like shit.
Now, to be clear as filtered water here: comparison is normal; it’s something we all do, just like we all feel “never good enough” at different times in our life. There’s no cure. No magic switch to flip that, once flipped, makes you stop comparing—and you wouldn’t want that anyways.
Comparison can be good. It can create healthy competition. For example, BSP’s monthly Alpha Challenge has members compete against each other’s scores to see who can jump farther, do more reps of an exercise, and so on. Our members enjoy this healthy competition.
This is good.
But, and I want to stress this, comparison is a slippery slope if we’re not mindful; and it’s hard to move forward towards our goals when we’re slipping on our face. It’s easy to get locked into a cycle of compare and despair.
Thankfully, there is an antidote to this comparison trap; a mindset shift that, once learned, helps us use comparison in a healthier, more productive way. To illustrate what I mean, let me share a story with you.
Picked Last For Soccer
Diiiing!
Thank goodness, the bell. Chloe packs up her Geometry notes and shuffles into the hallway towards her next class: P.E.
She walks into the gymnasium and spots her best friend, Sally, who is dribbling a soccer ball around before class starts.
I just don’t get it. How is she so perfect. I’ll never be athletic like her—making varsity as a freshman. A sour expression forms on Chloe’s face. And she’s so pretty too!
Diiiing!
The bell rings signaling the start of class. Two captains get chosen and, it comes as no surprise to Chloe, Sally is picked first, while she is picked last. Of course I’m picked last. Again. I’ll never be good enough to get picked first like Sally.
The game starts and Chloe plays…poorly. It’s further evidence that she’s not as good as the others. She misses scoring a goal and even misses a couple passes made to her.
The others are so much better than I am. I’m so over this game. Ugh. This sucks.
Diiiing!
Thank goodness, the bell for lunch. Chloe grabs her bag and shuffles into the hallway.
Comparison As An Antidote, Not Poison
Chloe notices Sally alone at her locker.
I should just ask her. She’s my best friend, I can talk to her about it.
She approaches Sally, fidgeting with the ringer on her finger, and sees Sally watching a Tik Tok video on her phone. Chloe takes a breath and says, “Uh, hey Sally, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, what is it?” Sally said.
“How do you do it?” Chloe asked. “You’re so good at everything, and I suck at everything.” Shifting her gaze towards the floor, she continues. ”You’re great at soccer, can talk to all the cute boys, and are always so happy. You’re just good at everything.”
“I had no idea you felt like that, Chloe,” Sally said.
“Well, yeah, how could I not?” Chloe said. “I can’t help comparing myself to you. You’re just so perfect!”
Then, Sally did something unexpected—she started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Chloe asked.
“I’m sorry,” Sally said, “I don’t mean to laugh, but you think my life is perfect? Far from it.”
“But you’re so great at everything,” Chloe said.
“No, I’m not. I’m horrible at math. Just awful, it’s so frustrating. You’re great at it though,” Sally said, then continued. “But there is something that helps me and maybe it will help you. I used to constantly compare myself to others, too, and it made me feel like crap.”
Sally paused, then continued. “Now though, instead of comparing myself to others, I compare myself, to myself. And its helped a lot.”
“Huh, compare yourself to yourself. I never thought about it like that,” Chloe said.
Sally then explained how that mindset has helped her. By comparing herself, to herself, she can measure how she improves as a soccer player—and in all areas of life. She can ask herself: how has the Sally of a year ago improved at soccer? And it’s easier to measure her progress.
Plus, it prevents the never good enough feelings from creeping in, since she’s solely focused on herself.
Chloe took this advice to heart and started implementing it in the coming weeks. Though it took time, she started to feel better. The never good enough feelings were still there some days—as they always will be—but she was able to pause and reflect on how she was improving.
In other words, Chloe learned to compare herself to the one thing she could control: herself. This gave her freedom to focus on ways she could improve herself, instead of focusing on how she wasn’t as good as others.
A Mindset Shift for Success
As you saw with Chloe’s story, comparison was doing her far more harm than good. It was eroding her self-worth—making her feel she wasn’t good enough.
Keep this in mind though: comparison and feeling never good enough is normal. We all feel that way at times—and yes, even as adults now, since most of us were kids at one point. But that doesn’t mean we can’t shift our mindset to something more beneficial to us, to a mindset that sets us up for success more often than failure.
Let’s use the context of the gym to drive this all home.
You want to lose fat. All the fat. Okay, not all of it, since you’d be a skeleton, but you want to be leaner and look better in your swimsuit. So you start working towards that.
Fast forward one month.
Now, ask yourself: “Am I leaner than I was one month ago? Have I lost fat?”
And let’s say, for the sake of example, that you haven’t lost weight.
There’s two sides to this fat loss coin.
On one side, you didn’t work to improve your nutrition, exercise more, or improve your sleep. Since you didn’t do the work required to get where you wanted, you know what you need to do now—start. Take action. Do something.
Start making positive changes so you can answer the “Am I leaner than I was one month ago” question differently next month.
But you have the other side of the coin, too.
You put in a ton of work—tried to eat healthier, worked out—yet nothing changed. That’s okay. It simply means you haven’t found what works yet, but you’re willing to do the work that’s needed, and that’s great!
You just have to try something else in order to get the progress you want.
Instead of comparing yourself to all of your friends, people in magazines, and strangers on social media—compare yourself, to yourself. How are you stronger? How are you leaner? How are you a better person?
By comparing yourself, to yourself, you can measure your own progress in a healthier, more productive way; and, you’ll be able to start and keep making progress towards your goals.