Is Your Gym Goal Worth It?

On a sunny spring day in 2012, I sat beside my girlfriend at the time as we looked out over the Juniata River. We were on top of one of Central Pennsylvania’s small, rolling mountains. We’d finished a hike called the 1,000 Steps and did a little exploring afterwards. I realized how tired I was as we rested – far more tired than I should have been. I looked at her; she was perky and ready to go. My lungs were still on fire and my legs felt like they were filled with concrete. Instead of saying, “Hey, let’s wait another minute,” I started down the hill after her when she was ready to go.

The view from the top of 1,000 Steps.
Image from: https://myhikes.org/trails/thousand-steps-standing-stone-trail-and-overlooks

We made our way down a rocky draw that looked like a drainage ditch dug by heavy rains. She sat down to scoot on her butt, and placed her hand on a rock a few yards below my feet. As she did, my tired legs became unsteady. I lost my balance and launched a rock tumbling down hill. It landed directly on top of her hand. I thought, “Oh hell, I just smashed her hand!” But through a twinge of good luck laced with bad, it landed directly on the ring she purchased in Galway, Ireland on a rugby trip. The rock crushed the ring to her finger, flattening it and cuttong off circulation. We rushed to the closest hospital where the ER doc had to cut her ring off.

I felt like an absolute goon. Worse than that, I felt like a terrible boyfriend. I ruined something precious to her – a ring that commemorated an amazing time in her life. Sure, she could go back to Galway and get a new ring at some point if she wanted. But she got that ring on a trip with her teammates while doing something she loved. She reassured me that it was alright, that she’d just put it on a necklace. I appreciated that. But I couldn’t shake the guilt because I knew it was my gangly-ass, unconditioned legs that ruined her ring and almost cost her to lose her finger.

It was because I was so unidimensional.

My Goal Hyperfixation

I had one, and only one, goal at that point in my life – deadlift 600 pounds. And it wasn’t just a strong desire. I hyperfixated on it. All of my training, all of my eating, all of everything I did aside from spend time with my girlfriend, was in pursuit of deadlifting 600. Sure, I worked. But it was only so I could train to deadlift. (What a boring fucking guy, haha!)

The hyperfixation grew out of frustration. By the time I nearly destroyed my girlfriend’s hand, I’d been chasing a 600-pound deadlift for three years. I kept getting close; I kept failing. My muscles and bones moved 575 pounds from the earth, but it seemed that they would consent to no more. I believed that drastic measures were the only way I’d add those final 25 pounds. Obsession, in my skewed mid-20s brain, was the only path forward. Lifting and mobility were the only things that mattered. My unreasonable perception told me that if I let anything else creep into my life I wouldn’t achieve my goal. I was rigid nearly to the point of breaking.

Then It Happened

Picture, if you will, a brokendown warehouse space (likely) full of all manner of carcinogens. Powerlifting equipment is spread throughout the 300 square feet that made up our little gym. It’s a dark, damp fall evening in Central Pennsylvania. I’m in the gym with my buddy Justin and another of our pals. I was ahead of schedule, but I knew that night was the night. I would deadlift 600 pounds.

Mentally, I’d burned out on writing my own programming. So, I asked a friend to write the final 12 weeks of programming to finish off my 600-pound quest. It was week 10 of the program, but something in me said it’s time. I progressed through my warm-ups, the music becoming more aggressive as the weight increased. More and more clothes came off. I was totally nude by the time I loaded 600 pounds on the bar. Picture, if you will, a white, glowing orb under incandescent light. I’m kidding. I kept my shorts on.

“The knowledge that seeking the favor of another makes a martyr of self!” Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe screams the line through the speakers as I set up for my 600-pound attempt. I’m amping myself the fuck up, finding every ounce of intensity that my brain and body have stored. I stand above the bar, my breathing so intense I feel my body heat rise. I stare at the bar as if my eyes could melt it. My jaw clenches. I do my best to crush the bar with my hands; I pull myself down into position so tightly that it feels like my head will explode. The bar drags smoothly up my legs as I stand up and lock out the weight. Then I throw that motherfucker to the ground and I scream. I had deadlifted 600 pounds.

It was cathartic. The build up; the lift; the scream, all of it. My buddies jumped on me with congratulatory hugs – all of it felt amazing. Then it was all over, but the feeling was still there. I knew I changed. I’m sure that it would seem silly to a lot of people that pulling a 100 pounds north of a quarter ton of metal from the earth could do anything to change a man’s internal landscape. But it sure as hell did – and not just in the short-term. Years of work culminated in a few seconds of effort that forever changed my self-perception. Not only was I goddamn strong. But I was a man that committed and saw things through.

There’s part of me that wouldn’t change anything that took me to that series of moments – the hyperfixation, the unwillingness to relent. That process could very well be what I needed to become the man I am today. But another part of me believes I could have approached it all in a more reasonable way, one that didn’t cut me off from the rest of life, and still hit my goal.

The Questions I Wish I Asked Myself

It’s important that I begin this section with a short preface.

The questions I pose are the products of experience and maturation. I’m currently 38 years old looking back at my 23 to 26 year old self. I didn’t have the experience nor the brain power to ask myself these questions at the time. I give myself that grace. However, I sure as shit wish an older, wiser man would have asked them. Maybe I’d have shifted my perspective if someone I respected laid these questions at my feet. The words and questions of people I respect have always profoundly impacted me. I’m sure the same is true for you.

And I know that many of you reading this aren’t mid-20s men filled with piss and vinegar. But throughout our lives we all have the need for good questions that give us pause and bid us to consider just what in the hell we are doing – that bid us to grow in self-awareness and self-understanding. I lay these questions at your feet in that spirit. If you feel so compelled, use them to frame whatever goal(s), in the gym or otherwise, you’re pursuing right now.

Why is this so important to me?

Truth is, sometimes this answer to this question isn’t clear. You’re moved by a vague feeling that says it’s right to pursue whatever you’re after. That’s totally normal and it’s totally fine. However, still ask yourself the question. While it’s normal to be driven by an unclear feeling, you also might get a direct answer from yourself. That is often energizing, but it’s also important for the level of commitment necessary to achieve what you’re after. Beyond that, it helps you put whatever it is that your pursuing in the proper place. That context allows you to set it as a priority while also keeping your other priorities in mind.

What is it costing me?

Man, do I ever wish I asked myself this question when I was chasing a 600-pound deadlift. You already know that everything has an associated cost. But unless we clearly and directly ask ourselves what that cost is, it remains an opaque resonance in our mind that we only realize after the damage is done. Hyperfixating on deadlifting 600 pounds cost me a lot of fun and a lot of beautiful experiences that would have enriched my life. They would have also enriched the lives of the people I cared about. Deadlifting 600 pounds gave me a lot, but it also cost me a lot that it didn’t need to cost me. Had I asked myself this question, I could have put everything in its proper place. I could have eliminated some of the costs while still making progress toward my goal.

Is this keeping my mindset healthy?

A good goal should expand your mind and improve your mindset. Miyamoto Musashi said, “If you know the way broadly, you will see it in all things.” Is your goal lifting your eyes so that you can see many horizons? Or is it keeping your eyes so focused on your feet you can’t think of anything but yourself and the goal? If you feel your brain and your body tighten around your goal while rejecting good things, it might be time to check in with yourself. A simple follow up question: Is this adding to my life, or is it subtracting from it?

If there’s a KPI for this question, it’s personal growth. Do you feel yourself opening up or closing down? Do you feel yourself expanding and growing in character, or do you feel so locked in that you can’t expand?

Is it in line with my values?

This is not an easy question. But it’s the most important question on the list. You must have your values sorted out to answer it. That’s a lot of work in itself. It is, however, work worth doing. Knowing your values gives you the tools you need to appropriately commit while keeping yourself in alignment – internally and externally. If you consider your goal through the lens of your values, and it doesn’t line up, it’s time to reconstruct the goal or consider ditching it. It’s either going to cost you too much or you’re going to bail on it.

I did not have my personal values sorted out when I was in my mid-20s. If I did, I imagine I would have put a greater emphasis on well-rounded fitness and interpersonal relationships. At least that’s what 38 year old me wants to say to my younger self as I put my arm around him. Either way, if I were considering other values other than being strong, I would have behaved differently. I would have enjoyed myself more during the process, and I likely wouldn’t have destroyed my girlfriend’s ring.

Seriously, take the time to sort out your values if you haven’t already. If you want some help with that, shoot me an email. I wrote a great, short book on one way to do it.

Is It Worth It?

I believe it was worth it for me to pursue deadlifting 600 pounds. I don’t, however, believe it was worth it for me to do it the way that I did. The cost was too high. The level of hyperfixation I had with my deadlift goal bled over into other parts of my life and ended up ruining the relationship with my girlfriend. C’est a la vie. I’m a different, and better, man now that understands the difference between hyperfocus and hyperfixation. My hope is that my story helps you write a better one for yourself. And I hope that you ask the questions I wish I asked myself. I believe we’re all here to act with purpose and accomplish great things. But we don’t have to miss out on a full life while in the name of accomplishment.

Best of luck, and shoot me an email (todd@beyondstrengthperformance.com) if I can help.