“Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and need a comrade to pull you up? So what?” -Marcus Aurelius
In the spring of 2015, the spring break of my junior year at JMU, I was sitting on the coach at my mom’s house when the phone rang. The caller ID read “Gills Automotive,” which was the auto repair shop I had dropped my car off the day before. I assumed they were calling to inform me that the oil change was finished and that I could pick up my car. I was wrong.
“Hello, is this Mr. Royer?” the man on the phone asked. I replied it was and he said, “Mr. Royer, I have some bad news. Your 1999 Nissan Maxima you dropped off, it’s totaled.”
The room felt smaller. My brain froze for a second—as if the hamster running on the wheel in my head took a quick break—because I didn’t know what to think. Thoughts starting rushing through my head: Totaled? What? I had taken it in for an oil change, and now, it’s totaled? I can’t afford a new car right now. How will I get back to school?
The mechanic explained that when they lifted the car up to change the oil there was a significant amount of rust along the undercarriage. Basically, the car may last many miles more and be okay, or, it may not.
I needed a new car. I had four days to find one. So much for an uneventful spring break.
On the last day before heading back to JMU I saw an appealing car listed—a 2006 Hyundai Elantra for a good price. The good price was also an issue. “I can’t afford that right now, what am I going to do?” I remember thinking.
What came next was something I always dreaded, something I struggled to do, as if it wasn’t part of my DNA to do: I asked for help. Specifically, I called my grandmother (whom I called Mimi), to borrow some money.
It really sucked to ask. Like, human vacuum cleaner level of suck. Black hole amount of suck. But, I did it. And you know what? It turns out that it was smart move. I was able to get the car, make it back to school, and pay her back over the next two years.
But that’s silly, right? I mean, super-duper silly with a side of silliness to go. Here I was, in need of a car to get back to school, not enough funds to buy it, and my grandmother being willing to help me—but I hesitated. It’s silly because Mimi would have loved to help me. Yet something inside me had always pushed back against this urge to ask for help.
Are We too Dependent On Independence?
“The most important relationship in many people’s lives is one of mutual dependence. It is one that allows them to satisfy their need for relatedness by being dependent on others who are also dependent on them.” -Edward L. Deci
Our culture perpetuates this idea that it’s brave and heroic to go it alone; that to be successful without any help is admirable. It’s not easy asking for help because, by doing so, it’s goes against these ideas—against what some of us were raised to believe. After all, independence is what you should depend on, right? I think that’s a bag of baloney.
We need each other. Humans are social creatures and we thrive together. While independence is a good thing—a great thing, really—there is such a thing as a healthy level of dependence.
The people at the top, the most successful people we know, didn’t make it there without some help. So, why should we be any different?
Asking for help doesn’t show weakness, it shows courage.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, it means you want help to be even better.
And to be clear: I still suck at asking for help too. But, with practice and allowing myself to ask, I’ve gotten a lot better—and my life has improved greatly because of it. Times are tough with COVID-19 right now, but we don’t have to go through it alone.
Give yourself permission to ask for help, to ask for what you need, to not be perfect—we’re all imperfect anyways, and that’s okay.
And, if it helps: write yourself a permission slip.
Seriously. Get a notecard and write this down: “It’s okay to ask for help.” Or write something similar, whatever works. It sounds silly but it’s a helpful reminder to keep around. Because when the storm does come, as it has now, so what if you need a little help.
Sailing Through The COVID-19 Storm
Imagine for a moment you’re sailing a sailboat through a nasty storm.
Instead of having your other crew members to help though, it’s just you. Can anyone fault you if you struggle through the storm? I don’t think so.
But what if you asked for help and received it? Well, navigating a sailboat through a storm is a whole lot easier with a crew helping you out. The same goes for getting through the storm that is COVID-19; it’s okay to ask for help.
Struggling for the sake of struggling is silly. While it’s true that out of hardship can come wisdom, and out of suffering can come strength, that things will be hard at times, and how we can learn and grow from this experience—if we are able to avoid it, to struggle less, then by all means go for it.
Maybe the coronavirus put you out of work and you need some help to stay on your feet.
Maybe you are struggling emotionally with everything going on and need to talk to someone.
Maybe you are unsure of what to do for exercise and need some help with a plan.
Regardless of the reason, if you’re doing your best to make it through this tough, incredibly tough time, and need a little help—so what? Reach out to someone, then ask away.
And, in this spirit of helping, we—those of us at BSP NOVA—are making it so people don’t even have to ask. We recently started a new free Facebook group called Loudoun’s Free Fitness Community. (you can find it here). The group will have live workouts to follow along with, a challenge to help you grow in a positive way each day, and a raffle drawing each Saturday for a gift card to support local small businesses.
This Blindsided Us
I didn’t see my car being totaled. Those words from the mechanic threw my idea of how my spring break would go out the window, then, after landing on the curb, it threw the idea around some more. I spent that week putting out fires and dealing with the craziness of finding a new car.
Similarly, we didn’t see this COVID-19 situation becoming exactly what it is right now. There have been a lot of fires to put out—adjustments made to our daily routine and life. And in both situations, asking for help is okay.
My hope is that, when it comes time, when you feel as though you are out of options, you won’t hesitate to ask for help. Because the way to make it through this craziness is together, with families helping each other, friends helping each other, and communities helping each other.
