We give the word “selfish” a bad rap. When we’re accused of being selfish, for example, we usually take it as an insult or feel hurt by it. And if we don’t feel hurt, we at least don’t immediately view it in the best light. I don’t know about you, but when I get called selfish, I don’t think, “Aww, that’s so sweet of them to say.” But is being selfish inherently bad? I don’t believe it’s a simple black and white answer. As with most things, context is king. 

 

Selfless vs. Selfish

Most of us, I’d wager, would rather be called selfless over being called selfish. But, depending on the context, being selfish is extremely valuable. In fact, being selfish is a crucial part of living a meaningful life. It’s okay to put ourselves first. It’s okay to do things for ourselves. To buy things for ourselves, for ourselves. To say no to things we don’t want, so we can say yes to things we do want.   

Having a healthy level of selfishness is essential. Let’s use an example to make more sense of this: Say a friend of yours asked you if you could help him build a tree house for his kids. What he doesn’t, and couldn’t know, is that you’re almost at capacity with everything you have going on. You have little free time and feel you should say no, but you say yes anyways. You identify as being selfless and feel saying no would be selfish. What ensues though, is you get frustrated that you have less time now, and you may even resent them a little for causing your loss of time. But this is silly right? I mean, you said yes, didn’t you?

 

 

This isn’t to say we never help our friend build a tree house or, I don’t know, help our friend walk their pet parrot when they need us. Sometimes though, we must be selfish. We must make time for our own priorities and the things we must do to help us grow as individuals. This won’t always be easy though. We might feel resistance as we attempt to be selfish in ways, because it goes against how some of us were brought up. Most of us want to help and be of service to those we love and I get it, because I’ve felt this way too.

We must make time for our own priorities and the things we must do to help us grow as individuals.

Growing up, I always tried to be selfless. I wanted to serve others and help people whenever I could. If someone needed me I was there, and I would do what I could for them. I was mostly selfless, and the young, naïve Tommy, thought this was the way it ought to be—and boy did I pay for that belief.

Believe it or not, I was often called out for being “too nice,” for not being assertive enough. Now, is caring a ton about others and wanting to help them a bad thing? Of course not. Where it becomes an issue is when we’re selfless without an ounce of selfishness too.

 

The Selfishness-Selflessness Continuum

Selfishness and selflessness share a continuum together. If we go too far towards the selfish side we become egotistical, self-centered jerk wads. We don’t want that. Nor do we want to go too far to the other end of that continuum, where we become a doormat for everyone to wipe their feet on. To live a fulfilled life where we can serve others, we must serve ourselves first. 

To live a fulfilled life where we can serve others, we must serve ourselves first. 

Although not easy, we can find middle ground on this continuum. A point where we are selfish in healthy ways while also being a force for positive change in others. It takes work, sure, but in my experience it’s well worth the effort. Does that mean I’ve found the perfect balance between the two and I have it figured out? Heck no. I’m constantly striving to work on these things because they’ve truly changed my life.

 

 

If we’re always putting everyone else first, who will put us first? The answer: truly, only we can. We’re the only person we can control, and we must be selfish if we want to get the most out of our lives. And the truth is, we can’t show up for others if we don’t show up for ourselves first.

we can’t show up for others if we don’t show up for ourselves first.

 

Thoughtfully Selfish

Want to grow old with your significant other—watch your kids grow old too? To see them graduate? Get married? Start a family? Well, you can’t do that if you never put yourself and your health first.

Want to be there for a friend to listen, and be there for them when they need you? Then you must take good care of your mental well-being too.

Our loved ones don’t need us functioning at 75%, they need us at our best. They deserve our best. We only get to our best by being a little selfish.

Sure, life is about helping others. About volunteering. About giving back and helping those that have less than us. I truly believe that the strong should help the weak if they can. But here’s the thing: The strong don’t become strong without being a little selfish. We can use thoughtful selfishness as a tool for serving ourselves and those we care about.

It’s okay to be selfish.