“People are, ‘behaving themselves to death.”’ – Dr. Edward Deci
All of us, each and every day, engage in behaviors of all kinds. Some of these behaviors are good—they enhance our lives—while some of them are bad, and they negatively influence our lives. While not all of these behaviors have serious consequences, at least not right away, many of them do.
That cigarette or two we start smoking that eventually becomes 4, 5, or more a day.
That drink or two we have each night after work.
That trip to a fast food restaurant a couple days a week.
While these behaviors may not seem like a big deal now—and I get it, since once or twice at a fast food restaurant doesn’t seem like much now—when those behaviors add up over time… they are.
Sometimes we do things in the short term that will harm us in the long term. We enjoy the present moment at the expense of our future. We’re killing ourselves to live.
“Why do I do what I do?”
We drink alcohol to numb ourselves from our emotions and pain, but avoidance doesn’t heal. We can’t get rid of our pain and hurt, but we can grow stronger because of it—become able to carry it more easily through our life, but we don’t get that chance if we numb it away.
We choose to scroll on social media for hours to ease our boredom and to fill time; but instead, we could do something productive with our time like reading a life changing book.
We choose to smoke tobacco to ease our anxiety in the short-term, but we sacrifice our long-term health.
When it comes to your behaviors, ask yourself, “What purpose does this behavior serve?” It’s a powerful question because it helps us get curious about ourselves. We ask in a nonjudgmental way, “Why do I do what I do?” so we can better understand ourselves. This grants us the awareness needed to change if we decide the behavior doesn’t serve us.
For example, after a meal you could ask yourself, “How do I feel?” You may realize that you feel energized and are happy with the healthy decision you made… or maybe you aren’t.
Maybe you feel lethargic and upset because you binged on some unhealthy food. But, because you were curious about your behavior, there is a chance to change it.
Plus, not only is that not the healthiest decision for our future selves—if we eat unhealthily constantly—we’re also digging ourselves a deeper hole. We reinforce that behavior because we’re training ourselves to eat when we feel upset, and this only makes us more upset because we ate something unhealthy, ultimately creating a negative feedback loop that we keep repeating over and over again.
“Am I ready, willing, and able?”
We don’t have to fall prey to these negative behaviors though, if we’re willing to put in the hard work needed to change. We can start by asking ourselves, “Am I ready, willing, and able to change this behavior?” If we aren’t, that’s our decision and we better understand the consequences of our behaviors now. If we are ready to start this process of change, then one thing is crucial: a willingness to accept emotions that are being avoided.
“To be ready to change self-destructive behaviors, people have to reach the point where they are willing to allow the feelings that the behaviors are blocking.” -Dr. Edward Deci
Acceptance is crucial because once a negative behavior is stopped, those feelings will still be there.
If we smoke to avoid anxiety—when we try to stop smoking—the anxiety will still be there, and we should be ready for that.
If we stop drinking alcohol the pain we avoided will still be there.
As we start to accept these feelings and begin to process them, we can replace these behaviors with healthier ones. Maybe you drink after work to deal with stress from your job, but you could replace that with going to the gym.
Maybe eating out is easier for you than cooking food at home, but perhaps you could convince your significant other to cook with you.
It could be that we have been inactive because we viewed exercise as something we “had to” do, but instead, we can view it as something we “get to” do.
Now, of course I’m not trying to convey that stopping smoking, drinking, or some other behavior is simple or easy. It’s incredibly difficult as I know from having loved ones and friends who are fighting that battle. But, it is possible, and it has to start with awareness and a willingness to feel emotions we’re avoiding.
So, ask yourself,
“Are the decisions I make each day leading me down a path towards a healthier, stronger me? Or, are they taking me away from the future “me” I desire to be?”
Each decision you make—and it doesn’t matter what it is—is shaping you into the person you’ll become. Are you killing yourself to live, or are you behaving yourself to a healthier you? The choice is yours.
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