Callie (1), a mother of two and member of BSP NOVA, is a bad mother. She isn’t good enough—not as a mother, as a teacher, or in most areas of her life.
Sorry, that’s all a lie.
Well, not the part about her being a mother and member of BSP NOVA, but the negative descriptions are untrue.
But here is something true: Callie, at different times in her life, has believed those negative views about herself. She has believed those views because she created them.
Let me explain.
Growing up, Callie tried and tried and tried to be perfect. To her, if she did everything perfectly in her life, then she was good enough. If she didn’t, then she wasn’t.
She was trapped by perfectionism—as if she were at the bottom of a dark, claustrophobia-inducing hole—and each time she grabbed a rung on the ladder to climb out, perfectionism stomped on her fingers.
Spurred by this desire to be perfect and do everything perfectly, Callie created a checklist. She would check off everything that she did perfectly—her homework, cleaning the apartment, folding laundry. This was her life—one check mark away from a good day or a bad day.
It was an imaginary measuring stick for her self-worth. If she checked all the boxes—every single stinking box, there was—then she was good enough. If she didn’t, then she wasn’t good enough.
It’s as if a liquid dropper filled with acid was hung above her self-worth, and each time a box wasn’t checked on the checklist, a bit of that acid dropped down; over time, every time she wasn’t perfect, the acid dripped down and corroded her self-worth.
Here is what is so crazy about that: Callie, unknowingly, hung that liquid dropper above her head. That measuring stick she used to measure her self-worth—the checklist—had nothing to do with who she was as a person. It only said if she did or did not do a certain task.
She had created the checklist to fulfill that need to be perfect, to feel she was enough, but instead of helping her, it often hurt her.
Callie led a black and white life in need of some gray; only, Callie wasn’t aware that gray was possible. She had no clue that life could be lived on a continuum: where she could, over time, move closer and closer, inch by inch, towards “a little bit better.”
Her life didn’t have to be win or lose, pass or fail, make it or don’t—not in every instance at least. It was a lesson that took Callie years to learn.
Perfectionism: Reaching For The Unreachable
“Failure is an event, not an identity.” -Joshua Medcalf
Learning to let life be less than perfect does not happen overnight. And, in Callie’s case, things got harder before they got easier.
Throughout the years her anxiety, coupled with OCD, only got worse after giving birth to her daughter; it got worse still after giving birth to her second daughter. More anxious thoughts and worries filled her noggin now that she was a parent. The flame of perfectionism burned ever brighter.
Callie was burning herself out striving, day after day, for unreachable goals. Desiring to attain the unattainable.
So, Callie—riddled with anxiety, crippled by OCD at times, and stressing about her family—did what any one of us would do: she filed for divorce and left her family.
Kidding. That didn’t happen. Just a joke.
But seriously, what did she do? How did Callie overcome this trap of perfectionism?
The solution that eventually allowed her to escape the perfectionism trap didn’t come easily for Callie; it took years of introspection—of cultivating awareness of her thoughts and behaviors—to begin to escape the trap.
The first realization that helped her came from an unexpected place: a meeting at her gym.
Callie’s End of Block Meeting
Fast forward to last year. Callie was sitting down at a desk, at BSP NOVA, and talking with Todd; it was time for her first End of Block chat.
A quick aside: an End of Block chat happens when members finish four phases (programs) at BSP NOVA, and it’s a long-term goal setting session.
Callie was asked what she wanted to focus on during the next block. She didn’t know. The goals she thought she cared about—ones she had worked on in the past, for years—weren’t actually hers.
Callie’s life, up to that point, had been measured by things she felt she had to do; measured by things she felt she should do. Her life had been weighed down by other people’s expectations–by her search for external validation.
Each action begot a question: am I good enough?
Now, sitting across from her, Todd was giving her space and permission to do what she wanted. Space to think and feel and search for her own desires. To search for things she needed and wanted to do: her priorities. Her goals. She was seen as she was: her perfectly imperfect self.
Her goals didn’t have to be dictated by what society, or her family, or anyone else thought she should do. Callie, as we all are, could pursue whatever goal she wanted—whatever mattered to her life.
This was a big moment for her—being given the permission to choose what she wanted to focus on at the gym. This was only step one—the next rung on the ladder—to getting out of the perfection trap.
Step two involved permission as well: she had to learn to give herself permission to be imperfect.
Permission to Be Human
“But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived…tidiness suggests that something is as good as it’s going to get.” -Anne Lamott
One afternoon, Callie was stressing over the dishes. She wanted to spend time with her daughters, but the dishes weren’t perfectly cleaned up yet. They needed to be done that instant—or so her perfectionism made her think.
Noticing his wife stressing over the dishes, her husband, Sam (2), said, “You realize that if you want to go play with the kids, you can, right?”
Sam was right.
If she had chosen the dishes, she would have missed out on time with her daughters—which is one of her priorities. Time spent making things unnecessarily perfect was time that was not spent on her priorities.
So, she gave herself permission to leave the dishes less than perfect—permission to be human, to make mistakes, to miss the mark.
Callie didn’t need to check off every last box on her checklist.
And, by giving herself permission to be human, she realized something powerful: she was already good enough.
She had always been good enough.
Sure, things could always be improved, and she strives to continually grow, but she didn’t need some imaginary measuring stick to tell her she was good enough. Or a checklist to say if she was enough.
Now, if Callie doesn’t check every box on that checklist—so what? It’s no longer a blow to her self-worth. It simply means she didn’t finish every item on the checklist. And if she didn’t finish one or two items on the list, that’s fine. Because she used that time to focus on her true priorities.
Life Now
Callie doesn’t live in a black and white world anymore—she has some gray in her life now. At times, she feels the pull of perfectionism, but to a lesser extent. There is still some work to do, and that is okay.
Her perfectionist tendencies no longer detract from her life, distract her from her priorities, and corrode her self-worth. Those thoughts spring up at times, but they take root in her mind.
They hold less power over her.
A missed check mark on her checklist no longer means she wasn’t good enough that day.
She’s already good enough.
She’s always been enough.
Notes: (1) Callie is not her real name, it was changed to keep them anonymous (2) Sam is not her husband’s real name either
