“Self-talk is a ubiquitous human phenomenon. We all have an internal monologue that we engage in from time to time.” -Ethan Kross
How do you talk to yourself?
And when you do talk to yourself—and we all do, whether we’re aware of it or not—what do you say?
Are you kind to yourself? Mean? Judgmental?
While it would be nice to think that we speak to ourselves with compassion, the opposite is usually true. Our self-talk is harsh. It’s cruel. It’s demeaning. Awful. We berate ourselves for not doing things correctly, for having a snack while on a diet, for saying something in a conversation we wish we hadn’t.
Now, why does self-talk matter?
At BSP NOVA we talk about the importance of consistency in our actions—how the things we do over time add up to help us be successful. For example, by consistently strength training three times a week we’ll see tons of success in strength gained.
That “slight edge,” as Jeff Olson calls it, cuts the other way though; when we speak harshly to our self every day, it adds up.
Over time, we may start to believe the harsh things we say to ourselves. We say that we’re a failure, that we’re ugly, dumb, or worthless. And that’s not very helpful. Think about it: are you more or less likely to go to the gym after calling your self a lazy, fat slob?
And since we’re in a conversation with our self, there is no one else to jump in and offer a different point of view; to offer reassurance that what we say isn’t true. To offer perspective and compassion.
The world can be harsh and cruel enough as it is—just look at the weird and tough year that 2020 has been—we needn’t make it worse by being cruel to ourselves.
Let me pause here. I want to clear something up. Sometimes it’s believed that only crazy people talk to themselves, that self-talk means something is wrong—this is untrue. Self-talk is normal. It’s such a common occurrence in our life, that we often don’t realize when we’re engaged in self-talk. So when we catch ourselves doing it, it seems wrong. But it’s a normal part of being human.
So. Given all of this, that self-talk is normal and that we often use negative self-talk, what do we do? How do we use self-talk more effectively?
To answer that, I want to share a personal story with you. It’s a moment from a few weeks ago where I made a literal, costly mistake.
The 60-Day Notice
It was 4:07 on Saturday night when I emailed the leasing office at my apartment complex to notify them that I wasn’t renewing my lease. Seemed simple enough. I email them. They say I’m good. I move on with my life. Yay.
Except my “yay moment” became a “no way moment.”
The leasing consultant emailed me back writing they were sorry to see me go, and ended by typing, “As a reminder, there is a 60-day notice for cancelling your lease.”
For context, I was less than 40 days away from my lease ending. So, yeah, not great.
In that moment it felt like the room got smaller and my stomach dropped. What does that mean? Would I have to pay for another month rent at the higher month to month rate? How am I supposed to afford that?
I was entangled in a web of emotions: pissed at myself for a dumb mistake, embarrassed for how silly it was, feeling anxious about coming up with an extra $1,000 plus, and annoyed I had to deal with the situation I created.
And, just as soon as I found myself stuck in that emotional web, my self-talk started.
I’m such an idiot! How could I be this stupid? All I had to do was send a damn email a few weeks ago. But no. I waited. Now I’m screwed. I suck.
Add in several curse words I omitted and you get the idea. Initially, I was really mean to myself. Harsh. Cruel. But then something happened.
I took a deep breath and, then, I made a shift. I changed my self-talk. I switched to the non-first-person.
Tommy. You made mistake and that sucks. You’re human though. It happens. You can’t change what has happened. But if you can accept that, then you can do something about it. What can you do handle this?
That subtle shift, from first to non-first-person, was huge. I was able to be kinder to myself—to show myself compassion. And, as important, I was able to then do something about the situation.
The Negotiation
Following the non-first-person self-talk, I got moving. I emailed the property manager of my apartment complex and asked for a meeting to discuss my situation. Then, I took all of my fun emotions—the frustration, anxiety, hopelessness—and did something with them.
I spent the next hour preparing for the negotiation with the property manager. What was the worst case scenario? The best? What could I realistically hope for? What questions might come up?
Now, to be clear, the anxiety and everything else was still there leading up to the call, and the tendency to beat myself up was still present, but I felt much better. Better because I was prepared.
I hopped on a call with the property manager on the Wednesday following the Saturday email and, thankfully, I didn’t even need to use anything I had prepared. He initiated the conversation by asking what was going on, and I, respectfully, told him about the mistake I made and owned up to it.
We had a great conversation and he let me pay regular monthly rate instead of the month to month—which, in effect, saved me hundreds of dollars.
Had I not used the non-first-person self-talk I did, I’m confident I would’ve spent far more time ruminating on my thoughts—and moping around—than actually taking action to help me manage a difficult situation.
Also, to be clear: my use of the non-first-person self-talk was not a way to avoid the emotions I was feeling; it was a way to regulate them. By speaking to myself in that way, I was able to focus on the goal in front of me and make a decision based on what was important to me in that moment—while still acknowledging the emotions present.
Self-Talk In The Non-First-Person
You may be thinking that the shift from first-person to non-first-person is subtle. And it may be. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t profound.
Consider my story. By shifting from the first-person—which was mean and harsh and cruel—to the non-first-person—which was kind and caring and supportive—it made me feel better and think clearer; said another way, it helped me to regulate the intense emotions I was feeling and do something to manage the situation effectively.
Now, why is this the case? What about non-first-person self-talk is so powerful?
Ethan Kross et al., conducted studies to answer a similar question and had this to say: “Together, these findings demonstrate that small shifts in the language people use to refer to the self during introspection consequentially influence their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, and behavior under social stress, even for vulnerable individuals.” (3)
Using the non-first-person helps us gain distance from ourself and our thoughts and feelings. While using the first-person pronouns “I” or “me” keeps us close to these thoughts and feelings.
This is helpful because—when tangled up in a web of emotions—we are stuck to how we feel; this is part of why we judge ourselves more harshly with first-person self-talk, because we’re too close to the emotions and thoughts. Self-distancing using non-first-person self-talk helps us to observe those emotions and thoughts with less judgment. To get free of the web and observe it from a distance.
This is what happened in my story above. I started to ruminate. I was being mean to myself. I was attached to the “I” in my first-person self-talk. But, by pausing to say, “Tommy…” it was easier for me to have that conversation in a nicer, more productive way, because I was farther from my emotions and thoughts.
Non-first-person self-talk also helps for another reason. We can think of it as talking to ourselves the same way we’d talk to a friend; that is, in a way that is typically kinder, and more inquisitive, supportive and compassionate.
Kelly McGonigal, author of The Upside Of Stress, describes non-first-person self-talk in an easy to understand way. She explains it as activating our social brain. That, since humans are social creatures, we want to support each other. Using non-first-person self-talk helps us to support each other just like we’d support a good friend.
The World’s Harsh Enough As It Is
“A number of studies show that when you talk to yourself in the second person, it has a bigger boost on your mood, a more positive affect; it strengthens your motivation more, and it leads to better follow through with whatever the behavior or the intention is.” -Kelly McGonigal
Life will inevitably stomp on your throat. You’ll make a mistake. You’ll hurt someone when you had the opposite intention. You’ll have regrets. You’re human, after all.
So, when you find yourself stuck in sticky situation, make a shift. Start by addressing yourself in the non-first-person with your own name, and support yourself like you would a good friend. Ask yourself questions. Recognize the emotions present as best you can, acknowledge that they’re there, then make decisions to help you manage the situation.
And look, I get it. This may feel weird at first. But who cares? It’s self-talk for a reason—no one will hear it but you. So be kind. Give yourself the support you need to think clearly and weather a tough situation.
The world’s harsh enough to us as it is. Use non-first-person self-talk to add a little compassion to your world.
Sources:
- NICABM Course: Working With Core Beliefs Of “Never Good Enough”
- Permission To Feel by Marc Brackett
- Kross, Ethan, et al. “Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters.” Journal of personality and social psychology2 (2014): 304.
You might also like:
- Beyond Strength Show Podcast Episode: Your Stupid Questions Answered
- How Progress with Weight Loss Actually Works
- Why Stress Is Good For You (and how to get good at it)
- Stop Wasting Your Time with Stretching (and what to do instead)
- Do You Trust Yourself?
- How Comparison Poisons Your Life (and yet, is also the antidote)