“Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement.” -Brene Brown

When it comes to topics like shame and guilt, we don’t like to talk about them. But why is that? We act as though avoidance will make them disappear, but it won’t. They’re a natural part of the human experience—feelings no one is immune to—which is why it can be beneficial to better understand them.

Although guilt and shame are sometimes used interchangeably, they are far from the same. An easy way to understand the difference is to think of the two in the following way:

 

Shame = “I am bad”

Guilt = “I did something bad”

Shame becomes part of who we are, while guilt is something we did.

Shame defines us, while guilt helps us refine ourselves.

Shame is destructive, while guilt is constructive.

Shame makes us feel like we’re shrinking.

Like we’re less than we are. That we aren’t good enough.

Our chest can feel tighter as if an invisible force is pressing on us.

We feel smaller than ever and don’t want anyone to know what we did, even if it was no big deal.

It’s a storm of emotions and bad feelings and it thrives on us beating the crap out of ourselves.

 

Guilt, on the hand, is helpful.

When we say, “I did something bad,” we don’t identify with it.

When we let something become part of our identity, then we’re in trouble, because that can affect nearly everything else.

If, instead of saying, “I am stupid,” we say, “I did something stupid,” then we can make positive changes.

 

 

With shame, we let failures define us and we become stuck in place.

With guilt, we let failure spring us forward towards positive change, because we learn from our mistakes.

 

Understanding Shame and Moving Through It

No matter how hard we try, we can never become resistant to shame. There is always a chance for it to affect us, but we can become more resilient to it. We can understand when we are feeling it, find ways to move through it, and process it.

Some things are more likely to trigger feelings of shame in us, and it’s helpful to know what these are. For example, if we identify with our body image in a negative way, and that is a source of shame for us, then negative comments about our body can affect us especially hard. It could trigger feelings of shame and inadequacy. We feel deep down we aren’t good enough, pretty enough, strong enough—and those harsh comments cut through us like a hot knife through butter.

This isn’t always done with bad intentions either. Sometimes even our friends will have a hard time when we try to change. As humans we don’t like change. We like to know what’s going on, so we know what to expect, but the thing is—everything changes. We don’t always know how to react when someone close to us is trying to change though, and sometimes comments can come off poorly.

What isn’t meant as a hurtful comment can trigger us at times because of shame we have buried deep down. When we feel shame and don’t feel good enough, it makes us want to shrink away from people—but that isn’t good. Shame thrives in the dark and solitude, so we must bring awareness to it in order to deal with it. This is why shame can feel like a catch 22.

It causes us to feel small, incapable, not good enough, and so we don’t talk about it. But, the only way to successfully deal with it is to talk about it. Most importantly though, someone who will listen and not judge what we tell them, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” -Brene Brown

To use a personal example, I felt shame big time a few weeks ago, and it was probably the worst I’ve felt it in more than a year. Now, In the grand scheme of things it was no big deal, but it still knocked me off my feet in the moment. I felt like a bottle of failure sauce had been poured on me and my head went to a negative place (as we all do at times). What helped big time though was calling my friend, whom I could trust, and having them listen and be there for me.

Shame doesn’t thrive when we feel heard and understood by someone else.

 

Fitness and Shame

Do you know of any areas in which you feel shame? Maybe it is with regard to your body, your strength, your nutrition, etc. Do you have a trusted friend you can confide in during rough times? If so, keep them in mind.

How about things you feel guilty about? For example, maybe you’re focusing on your nutrition and you ate a handful of Oreos one night. You notice that you are feeling guilty over them and say to yourself, “I messed up and didn’t eat my planned meal.”

On that other hand, if we let that thought turn into, “I messed up and didn’t eat my planned meal. I’m such a failure.” That can lead us down a much darker path, but since we felt guilt instead, we can do something about it.

 

We can reflect on what made us eat those Oreos in the first place. Were we feeling bored, anxious, etc., and eating them helped curb those feelings? Or, maybe we were eating far too restrictively for too long and caved. Either way, we can use guilt as a guide to help us.

Or, maybe you messed up a lift in the gym and tweaked your lower back. That doesn’t make you stupid or dumb for hurting your back, but it can feel that way if you shame yourself. Instead, we can say, “Sure, it sucks I hurt my back but I knew I shouldn’t have added that extra 20 pounds to my deadlift.” We can learn from that example and make a better, wiser decision next time.

 

 

Recognize the Difference, Act Accordingly

Shame and guilt are both parts of the human experience, and they aren’t things we can avoid—no matter how bad we want to. What we can do though, is understand the differences between them, notice how they affect us, and then take action to improve our situation and well-being.