The Self-Care Lie Part 2: Finding Your Purpose

“That’s great, but what do I do now?”

I’ve asked myself that question so many times after finishing a book that offers guidance for personal or professional development. I get about halfway through the book, and I’m like, “This mafuckah spittin!” Then I finish the book and I realize that they didn’t do much more than string some nice words together, bound by generalities. It all sounds nice but typically isn’t helpful because the author offers no action. We are what we do, not what we think and read. So, it’s not all that useful for a person to give a bunch of theoretical advice with no real guidance on how someone else might go about acting on it. I won’t do that to you.

Part 1 of this article series laid some fundamental and foundational groundwork for overcoming popular misconceptions about self-care. We won’t stop at that. It’s time to talk about how to act on that foundation.

Let’s get started.

A Quick Definition Review

We began this whole deal with a working definition of self-care that contradicts the popular, and misconceived, notions of self-care. We’ll review it here so you don’t need to reference part 1 as you read this article.

It is:

The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone’s essential being.

The self is your essential being. Everything else listed is the care part of the equation.

Care for your essential being by doing what’s necessary.

Then we talked about how illuminating your purpose, defining your values, and caring about only what you should care about are the essential, fundamental aspects of self-care that most people miss. We also talked about why each contributes to true self-care. Now, let’s discuss how to find your purpose. We’ll spend the budget of this article on it.

What in the Hell is Purpose?

There’s something I love about the people of Okinawa, Japan: They don’t have a word for retirement. They do, however, have a word for “life’s passion” or “reason for living.” It is ikigai. And having an ikigai is one of the factors that allows those folks to have one of the longest life expectancies in the world. Having a reason to live, other than looking forward to relaxation at the end of a busy career, fuels them. Their life’s passion, their reason for living, their purpose.

When I read Blue Zones by Dan Buettner, I learned that most of the ikigais are simple. Some were as simple as continuing to fish to provide for the family. But the common thread that bound all of the ikigais is that the purpose connected each person deeply with themselves and the ones they loved. The actions they took every day were driven and supported by their purpose.

Purpose, if we follow the Okinawan example, (and we should) is what gives us the deepest sense of meaning while furthering our connections to ourselves and to those we care about.

Your purpose should serve as a beacon, a white light that illuminates your choices and actions. It shows you the path and also when you falter from it. Purpose says, “This is what you say you want and this is who you say you want to be.” Then it’s up to you to choose to be that – to act so you are that.

Then, everything meaningful to you congeals into the actions you take to make the world around you better while growing to the greatest degree possible.

If you’re thinking, “Well, damn, I don’t have anything like that.” Yes, you do. You’ve just yet to make it conscious. We’ll talk more about how to do that, and we’ll start with a question to start dredging your purpose to the surface.

Don’t expect an answer to pop immediately into your head – although, one might. It likely must sit in your guts as you go about your life. Then it might just lead to a realization that feels like an epiphany. Let me offer you an example from my life as an illustration.

When Finding Purpose Feels Like an Epiphany

I found my purpose in Chicago, Illinois. It’s likely better said that it found me. I wasn’t looking for it; I thought I’d already found it. I’d spent my life, from my teenage years up to that point, actively avoiding a bad example. My purpose was to not become something I hated. But when a kind Uber driver told me her daughter’s story, and how she was concerned her daughter wouldn’t live up to her potential, my true purpose settled into my chest. She looked me in the eyes through the rearview mirror and said what I would adopt as the main point of my living.

“Honey, you got to do something worthwhile with your life. That’s the rent you pay for your time here.” I smiled and nodded. She nodded and put her eyes back on the road.

I’d pay my rent. And that payment took the form of living an interesting and fulfilling life, to share what I learn with others. Instead of actively avoiding, I would create. I’ve been doing that ever since, and it’s made all the difference in how I approach living my life and caring for myself and others.

Here’s the thing, finding my purpose wasn’t only the outcome of a serendipitous exchange in a car as it weaved through a busy city. The conversation merely surfaced what I subconsciously already knew – what I was, mostly, already living out. But consciously living took me to the moment seemed like an epiphany. It was the work, the living, the attention that took me to that moment and gave me reason to realize that conversation would alter the course of my life. If you do the right work and hold the right attention, your purpose might surface in much the same way.

Finding Your Purpose

Maybe you’re thinking, “Todd, this all sounds kind of heavy.” Well, sure it does. But that’s because you haven’t felt the weight that lifts off of you once you have your purpose sorted out. Also, life seems to work best when we strike the right balance between gravity and levity. It’s often that when we understand the gravity of life, that levity appears to lift the weight. It’s worth it to lift the weight. The light is underneath.

So, how do you lift the weight that reveals your purpose? First, understand that the revelation is a lived process. We love the romanticism of believing that time spent alone in thought teaches us everything we need to know about ourselves. It does not at all work that way. Purpose is revealed by living. You need the context you gain from everyday interactions and from your relationships to show you what’s most meaningful to you. It requires attention. The process begins with noticing.

Notice how you feel when you’re doing certain things—or how you feel when you’re with certain people. Is it the people that are making you feel that way or what you’re doing with them?

Purpose is a feeling of connection, to yourself and to the world. It’s the feeling of drive, of alignment. All of those feelings converge to create a deep sense of meaning. It’s the activities, tasks, and situations that create that feeling that illuminates your purpose.

It might help to keep a journal and write about those situations and feelings. As you experience that feeling of deep meaning, write down the details of the situation. What were you doing? Where were you? Were you with anyone?

This process clarifies your purpose, although it takes time and effort. It may even take settling on the wrong purpose before your true purpose becomes clear. But it’s all worth it.

Follow all of your noticing and attention up with this question:

What consistently over time has provided me with the deepest feeling of meaning?

I’ll draw again on personal experience for example’s sake.

Paying my rent clicked as my purpose because I reflected on what it gave me. It connects me more with myself because it drives me to learn, to grow, to do adventurous things. It drives me to scare the shit out of myself sometimes because I have no choice but to leave my comfort zone. It connects me with others because I feel no deeper sense of meaning than when I share something from my experiences with other people. It could be an image; it could be a conversation; it could be an article like this one. Knowing that I must live and I must share the outcome of my living keeps me focused on doing things that enrich my life and move me forward.

Sometimes, however, purpose is smaller. It’s simply having an object for what you’re doing. But that objective gives you focus that helps you set priorities. Those priorities bid you to act while giving attention only to what’s necessary at the moment. In doing all of this, you care for yourself – because there is no greater care than aligning yourself in application toward achieving something worthwhile. Even if that something is nothing more than the effort required to cook a delicious and nourishing meal for yourself and people you care about. Practicing with a smaller purpose often helps to reveal a bigger purpose.

All aspects of the process and the ideas I’ve shared in this section have something in common – they drive you to live. You have to live to find your purpose. It won’t come to you as you sit on your ass.

A Note on Self-Honesty

You can’t bullshit your way through this. Radical self-honesty is necessary, otherwise you end up misaligned. And in your misalignment, you might think, “This purpose-finding stuff is a bunch of malarky.” The truth is you didn’t find your purpose, but instead a nice idea that doesn’t resonate with your core.

You know when you’re lying to yourself. Don’t do that. It’s not nice, and it’s certainly not self-caring.

Purpose as Self-Care

Deciding what your life means to you is the most powerful form of self-care. It’s far more powerful than creating contentment, comfort, or happiness. I’m not saying don’t work to make yourself more content or happier, but I am saying that you’ll do more by finding the meaning that your purpose provides.

Meaning lasts longer than contentment or happiness. You can achieve a deep sense of meaning even while you’re uncomfortable or in a situation you’d rather not be in. Sometimes those situations are the most revelational of meaning. And the meaning you reveal carries you through those moments while enriching them. That is true self-care because it winds a thread that runs through the entirety of your life, not just the times that you feel good. And the feeling of meaning and purpose decreases the negative emotions associated with whatever less-than-ideal situation you’re in.

Act and Reveal

Now, you have a process for acting and revealing your purpose – the most powerful act of self-care you can take. Notice, note, and ask yourself what gives you the deepest sense of meaning. And, remember, this is a lived process. You can’t find your purpose by sitting on your ass.

In Part 3 we’ll discuss defining your values.