What would you say if I could take your stress away?
Imagine it for a second: no more stressing about work, your kids, significant other, or friends… no more stressing about anything.
There’s just one condition though. The next time your child, significant other, or friend comes to you feeling stressed—worried, anxious, afraid—you will have no idea how they feel. You won’t be able to understand them. You won’t be able to connect with them.
So, would you take that deal, to let me take your stress away?
It’s common to want your stress to disappear, to have a stress-free life. But what we often forget is that stress is normal—everyone experiences it in varying degrees.
Stress will never go away. It will always be a part of your life.
Now, I don’t say that to scare you—quite the contrary. I say it in hopes you no longer chase an impossible goal; the goal of having a stress-free life. It sounds nice on paper, but it’s not attainable. It’s striving to reach something that will always be out of reach.
Getting rid of it isn’t the goal, because stress serves a purpose.
In the example above, stress helps you connect with others. When your child, significant other, or friend is feeling stressed, that response can signal them to reach out and connect with others; it’s a signal to do something.
If you view stress as the enemy though, as something to get rid of, you miss the benefits of it. Instead, you can do two things:
- accept that it’s a normal part of being human; and
- change your relationship with stress—your mindset about it—so that you can use your stress to help you create a life full of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.
Changing your mindset about stress is powerful because, when you view it in a positive light, it influences how you think, feel, and behave; it can influence your ability to cope with life’s hardships.
To illustrate how stress can be beneficial, let me share a short, personal story with you.
It’s about everyone’s favorite thing to do: public speaking.
Stress Is Helpful—If We View It As Helpful
Standing there in front of the class—heart pounding, stomach queasy—all I wanted was for my presentation to be over so I could slump back down in my chair. It was the last place I wanted to be. My mission was to get it over with, not deliver a great talk.
I wasn’t there—in the present moment I mean—because I was lost in anxious thoughts. What if I forgot what I was supposed to say? What if I looked foolish in front of my class? What if the presentation was a failure?
I went into many of my presentations at JMU this way: I’d feel anxious leading up to it, not prepare as much as I needed to, then, when the day came, I tried to do what I could to calm myself down; it didn’t work.
Fast forward to three months ago though, to June of 2020, and things went differently.
Each member of the BSP staff was presenting on a book they had read. I chose to present on storytelling, on how we can use stories to inspire and educate others. Since I was passionate about the topic I figured it would be easy—no stress at all.
I was wrong.
When it was my turn to present, I felt uneasy—there were butterflies in my stomach, and I was shaking slightly. Even as I walked up in front of my coworkers, laptop in hand, my heart was racing.
This time though, I chose to respond to my anxiety differently: I didn’t try to flee from, or fight anxiety—I accepted and embraced it. I knew I was anxious because I cared about doing well.
I thought to myself, “I prepared for this. I can do this. I’m anxious because I’m excited.”
As I gave the presentation, those anxious feelings were still there, but they had a different meaning now: they were helping me. They focused me so I could do well.
I started by sharing a personal story, made eye contact with others, used my body language to emphasize points, and only looked at my computer to change slides; in other words, it went far better than my presentations at JMU.
Before, my mission had been to get the presentation over with; this time, my mission was to deliver a great presentation.
The same stress was there, but my mindset about it had shifted; and that allowed me to approach a similar situation in a more successful way.
We Stress About Things That Are Meaningful To Us
“Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake.” -Kelly McGonigal
I want to restate that sub heading above: we stress about things that are meaningful to us. To quote Kelly McGonigal: “Stress and meaning are inextricably linked, you don’t stress about things you don’t care about, and you can’t create a meaningful life without experiencing some stress.”
We all face stress. All of us. Everyone. We often don’t get to choose what stresses are a part of our life, but we can choose how we respond to them; and that response can help us in multiple ways.
We can think of our stress response (our response to different stressors) in three distinct ways.
It can help us:
- Rise up to challenges by increasing our motivation and focus, which means we’ll be better prepared to tackle life’s challenges
- Connect with others by encouraging social interaction and increasing our courage, which means it will enhance our relationships with others
- Learn and grow by helping us make sense of our experiences, which means we’ll be better able to cope with other experiences going forward
So, next time you are faced with a stressful situation, ask yourself: which part of the stress response do I need most?
Maybe you need to rise up to a meaningful challenge, and your response is there to focus you.
Maybe you’re stressing over a relationship, and your response is encouraging you to reach out to friends to talk with them.
Maybe you need to learn and grow from a tough experience, and your response is there to help you make meaning out of that experience.
The key is accepting the stress that is there, because it’s there for a reason, and then doing something about it—whether rising up to a challenge, learning and growing, or connecting with others.
Avoiding stress doesn’t help; but accepting and embracing it can.
You Don’t Have To Love Stress
“Changing your mindset puts into motion processes that perpetuate positive change over time.” -Kelly McGonigal
You still may be struggling with this idea—that stress can be good, and that how we think about stress matters—and that’s fair. You’ve been led to believe that stress is bad and only bad. The baddest of bad.
In the media, articles like “Stress, The Silent Killer,” are everywhere. They’ve led people to believe that stress is evil and that it must be vanquished. But should it?
I don’t think so.
Know this: changing your relationship to stress—your mindset towards it—doesn’t mean you have to like it. Odds are it will still feel uncomfortable.
When I gave my presentation at BSP I was anxious. I didn’t love that feeling at all. But, I chose to view that as a challenge I could rise up to, and that I was ready to go. And the stress supported me in delivering a great presentation.
So, maybe, instead of trying to get over stress, to get past anxiety, to be free of worry, we get with it. We get with the feeling of being stressed, because it serves a purpose; stress is present because something matters to us.
And when we change our mindset about stress, we can change our lives.
Sources:
- NICABM Course: Expert Strategies For Working With Anxiety
- The Upside Of Stress by Kelly McGonigal