Keith turned his key inside the lock of his apartment door and kicked it open with his foot. He let it slam behind him. Then he tossed his keys on the granite counter.
Wow. What an awful day. Thank goodness that’s over—dammit. I told myself I was going to go on a walk after work. Whatever, I can do it tomorrow.
Passing some dirty dishes in the sink, and on the counter, and on the stove, he grabbed the handle to freezer with his weary hand. He pulled the door open and snatched the tub of Oreo ice cream and walked to the living room. Sitting on the couch, spoon in hand, he clicked the TV on and went to town on the ice cream—hoping to ignore how frustrated he was with work.
Several hours later, and several episodes of Ozark later, it was already midnight. So Keith tossed the tub of ice cream in the trash, threw his spoon in the sink, and walked to his bedroom. There, on his dresser, was a picture. Keith picked it up.
Man. I looked so good a few years ago. Can’t believe I ran this Spartan Race so long ago, and now look at me. Fat. Eating ice cream every night. It’s just work, ice cream, sleep, repeat.
And so, Keith laid down that night, full of regret, and full of ice cream. And full of guilt—guilt about letting himself go. Another night of no exercise.
Something needs to change. I can’t keep living like this. This sucks.
The Email
Click.
Keith opened an email from an address he didn’t recognize. It spoke about emotional intelligence, about making better decisions, and about success in work and life.
Huh. When did I sign up for this email?
Intrigued—and hoping to avoid work and his feeling of boredom—he read through it. And, little did he know, it was a moment that would change everything.
He scrolled through the email and learned about something called a “Meta-Moment”, which came from a man named Marc Brackett, who is the Founding Director for the Yale Center For Emotional Intelligence.
The steps for the meta-moment in the email said the following:
- Recognize when you’re feeling an unpleasant emotion—sadness, frustration, anger, loneliness, etc.
- Pause–take a couple of deep breaths in and out of the nose, while focusing on the feeling of your breath going in and out
- Next, ask yourself, “What would my best self do right now?”
- Finally, after answering the above question, act the way your best self would in that situation
Seems simple enough. Take a few breaths. Ask what your best self would do. Then act that way. Wait—there is something else on this email.
The last paragraph of the email was a caveat of sorts. It explained how the goal wasn’t to be perfect, since no one will ever act like their best self every second of every day. But it’s an aim. Maybe you act as your best self would, maybe you don’t. The goal is to ask the question and continually attempt to act how your best self would. To keep striving to act in accordance with your values.
Huh. Maybe this meta-moment thing is what I need. I’ll try anything. I really need to stop being such a fat slob every night.
Taking A Walk Instead
Dropping his keys on the counter after walking into his apartment, Keith felt uneasy. Stressed. Annoyed after the dull day.
Keith walked over towards his fridge and reached for the handle—but then he stopped.
Wait. This is a chance to do the meta-moment thing. I think. I do feel shitty.
Keith took a deep breath in his nose. Then a couple more. He attempted to focus on the feeling of breath going in and out—and only that. He felt his shoulders drop and his chest loosen a bit.
How would my best self act right now? What would that Keith do? Well, he has wanted to go on walks after work, but he hasn’t yet, and he knows he would feel better doing that. You know what, I should. I’ll grab my shoes and go right now. That’s what the best me would do.
Instead of grabbing the handle of the fridge, Keith used the meta-moment to get a handle on his current situation, on his emotions, and chose to go for a walk. He used the breaths to give himself a little time to think, then, chose to act in a way that would better serve his goals—to start working on his health.
Not only did he get some physical activity in, which made him feel better, but he didn’t down another tub of ice cream either.
Emotions Are Information
When it comes to fat loss, we often look for quick and easy solutions. We look for a magic fat loss supplement that will melt our fat off. We search for superfoods that will give us everything we need without needing to eat whole, minimally processed foods. We jump from diet to diet looking for one that works for us. One that we can stick with; but we never find it.
Sometimes it’s not the way of eating that is the problem. Though, we might think it is. That we followed the wrong nutritional guidelines, the wrong diet, or the wrong supplement. Maybe, maybe not.
Often though, it’s a problem we don’t consider: our emotions and feelings.
Let me explain.
We feel lonely, so we grab a bag of chips to distract ourselves.
We feel stressed from a shitty day at work so we numb our feelings with ice cream (like Keith did).
A recent breakup has us feeling heartbroken and sad so, instead of engaging in healthy activities that benefit us in the long run, we wash our feelings away with booze.
Now, to be clear, this isn’t saying emotions and feelings are a problem all the time. They aren’t. Emotions are information. Emotions are goal-based. They serve us—if we understand them.
Feeling lonely might be a sign to connect with a close friend, or sign up for a softball/baseball league to make new friends.
Feeling stressed each day after work might be a clue that the job isn’t the right fit for us.
Feeling heartbroken might guide us towards going to the gym, or speaking with a counselor.
To be clear: I’m not saying we should ignore our emotions completely and avoid them. Because we can and should feel them—then choose to act in a way that helps us become the person we want to be.
The meta-moment helps here. It shifts our focus away from our feelings towards our best self—towards our values.
We feel stuff while we do stuff.
Josh Hillis said it well: “…it’s really effective to do something that’s good for you while you’re feeling hard emotions. This isn’t about pushing emotions away or distracting yourself—it’s about doing something that fits your values, is good for you, and takes care of you, while you’re feeling your feelings.”
A way to think about this all is to look through the lens of “self-care.”
Let me explain.
Different Kinds Of Self-Care
Self-care is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of yourself. It’s also often misunderstood; there’s nuance to self-care.
You may be think this is a “soft” term, or that you don’t need self-care. But we all do. And we all do self-care of some kind, even if we don’t realize it.
Most of the time we think of self-care like this: getting a massage, being pampered, taking a long bath—with scented candles too. Which, sure, that can be self-care, but it’s not an exhaustive list.
Josh Hillis talks about self-care in a useful way by describing three types of self-care: taking care of things self-care, skill-based and effortful self-care, and relaxation self-care.
Taking care of things self-care might be having a difficult conversation, cleaning up your home, working out, setting boundaries, or other things.
Skill-based and effortful self-care could include learning a new hobby, going for a run or walk, journaling, woodworking, or other things.
Relaxation self-care could be reading a comic book, watching a movie, playing with your dog, getting a massage, or other things.
Now, maybe some of the things in the “relaxation self-care” category sounds like what you normally think of when you hear self-care—which is still a valid and useful type of self-care—but what about the other two types? Do those sound soft or easy?
Having a difficult conversation with a friend who hurt you is not easy. Doing a tough workout isn’t easy. Running for an hour isn’t easy. They aren’t what we typically think of as “self-care,” but they are.
They all move us closer to being our best self.
And when we combine this self-care with the meta-moment, then we can make decisions that better serve us.
The Meta-Moment And Self-Care
“Pausing helps you refrain from making a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion.” -Justin Bariso
Ideally, instead of solving our problems with food, we solve them through action; we solve them with self-care. By choosing healthy activities—different types of self-care—instead of emotionally eating, we can become the healthier versions of ourselves that we hope to be.
This is easier said than done, of course. But the meta-moment helps.
The next time you’re feeling some type of unpleasant emotion or feeling—become aware of it. Maybe it’s that you’re feeling bored, annoyed, angry, sad, livid. Regardless, create awareness of that and take a few deep breaths in and out the nose.
Then, ask yourself, “What would my best self do?”
Act that way.
Maybe the best version of yourself would go for a walk, as Keith did. Or, maybe that person would read a book, call a close friend, or have a difficult conversation they’ve been avoiding. Or go to the gym.
And maybe you don’t choose to act like your best self in that moment; that’s fine. It happens. You just try again next time.
A final caveat: sometimes we’re not feeling an unpleasant emotion, but are actually hungry. If this is truly the case, that we are hungry, then eating is okay. We should eat when hungry. Hunger starts and stays—it builds over time. Hunger is normal and we should eat when hungry.
Less ideal though, is eating to numb or distract ourselves from our feelings.
So, the next time you find yourself feeling some unpleasant feeling and reaching for junk food—take a moment. A meta-moment. And act how your best self would act.
Sources:
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Permission To Feel by Marc Brackett
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Lean And Strong by Josh Hillis
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How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett